Conditional Love: When Belonging Comes at the Cost of Being Yourself
Have you ever walked on eggshells around the people you love?
Have you ever wondered whether they would still love you if they truly knew you?
Have you ever wanted to be yourself, but feared that one honest conversation might turn the dinner into a family court hearing?
Welcome to conditional love. Where belonging is free, provided you follow the terms and conditions.
Unfortunately, nobody gave you a copy of the contract.
People Pleasing: The Family's Favourite One
Growing up, you may have learned some very important life lessons.
Be obedient. Be successful. Don't argue. Don't disappoint anyone. And for heaven's sake, don't be selfish.
Love was available, of course. You just had to earn it.
Good grades? Affection.
Agreement? Approval.
Disappointment? Ah, your subscription to family warmth has temporarily expired.
So you became excellent at people pleasing.
You learned to read facial expressions like a detective, apologize for things you didn't do, and say yes when every cell in your body screamed no.
Some call it kindness. Others call it a fawn response, when appeasing others becomes a way of seeking safety.
Either way, congratulations! You've become everyone's favorite person.
Except, perhaps, your own.
The Hidden Price of Being Good
The signs of a people pleaser can be surprisingly impressive.
You avoid conflict like it's a contagious disease. You feel guilty for saying no. You seek approval before making decisions or considering your needs.
And if you're particularly ambitious, you might throw in perfectionism.
But why not? What's so wrong with being perfect?
Good grades. Great career. Perfect partner. Perfect body. Perfect children. Perfect life.
What's not to love?
Perfectionism is a brilliant strategy, really. If you never make a mistake, nobody can criticize you. If you never disappoint anyone, nobody has a reason to reject you.
Simple mathematics.
Except the bars keeps getting higher.
You achieve something. Wonderful! Now achieve more.
You make one mistake. Congratulations, you've just invalidated your entire existence.
And that's where perfectionism and anxiety become such a lovely couple. One demands the impossible, while the other makes sure you never forget what happens if you fail.
The real problem isn't wanting to do well.
It's believing that being good enough as a person depends on being perfect at everything.
And the cruelest joke?
You can spend your entire life becoming everything everyone wants, only to discover that you still don't feel worthy of love.
Boundaries: The Scandal of Having Your Own Opinion
But perhaps, one day, you wake up and realize that you want to be a rebel!
Not the kind who burns down buildings or starts a revolution.
No. Something far more scandalous.
You want to have an opinion.
Your own opinion.
You might even want to say NO.
Without a 50-pages of presentation explaining why.
Shocking, I know.
After years of people pleasing, you've finally discovered that you have needs, preferences, and, apparently, a personality.
Naturally, this causes a family emergency.
"What's happened to you?"
"You've changed."
"You're being selfish."
"You can’t talk like that!"
Well, yes. You've changed. That's generally what happens when people grow.
But setting boundaries in relationships can feel terrifying when you've spent your life believing that disagreement means rejection.
Even setting boundaries with a partner or saying no to a loved one can trigger enough guilt to power a small city.
And here's the uncomfortable truth:
Unconditional love doesn't mean unconditional approval.
People are allowed to disagree with you. They're allowed to feel disappointed. They're even allowed to think you're making a terrible decision.
What they don't get to do is demand that you abandon yourself to keep them comfortable.
Because boundaries aren't about controlling other people. They're about deciding what you will and won't participate in.
And assertiveness isn't an act of war.
Sometimes, it's simply saying:
"No, thank you."
And surviving the horrifying discovery that someone might not like it.
Congratulations. You're officially a rebel!
Your crime?
To become yourself!
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